Lying, anyone?

Disclaimer: The dishonesty fessed up to in this post is entirely truthful

Me lying

I told a lie the other day. I told someone they were looking better than ever, but I didn’t mean it. (She looked horrible, very sleep-deprived.) I did it because- and here’s my justification - I wanted to make her feel good.

Was I wrong? It was a lie, after all. Or was it just a fib? I now realize I should have just told her it was good to see her. That would have made her feel better and wouldn’t have involved me not being truthful with a person I respected.

Me telling the truth

On the other end of things, a couple of years ago, I saw a person who had never been very kind to me. She had been to her doctor’s and looked terrible. She said, “Oh, I must look awful!” I took that opportunity to agree with her enthusiastically. Was I wrong? It wasn’t a lie, after all, not even a fib. I couldn’t have told her it was good to see her, as that would have been a lie. I told her the truth - she did look bad - but I did it to get back at her, not due to some moral sensibility. I went with the old Russian proverb, “Better to be slapped by the truth than kissed by a lie.”

From the look on her face, it was clear I hurt her feelings, and to this day, I regret it. I should have told her it was a surprise to see her. That would have been truthful and without me spewing poison into the world.

What are you doing?

According to James Patterson’s book, “The Day America Told the Truth: What People Really Believe About Everything That Really Matters,” 91% of us lie regularly. Patterson also noted that most of us find it hard to get through a week without lying, and only one in five can make it through a single solitary day without turning our backs on the truth.

Does that mean that only a few of us remember the ninth commandment? According to Biblical experts, “Thou shalt not bear false witness” means more than not lying on the witness stand. They said Exodus 20:16 includes “speaking falsely in any matter, lying, equivocating, and any manner revising and designing to deceive our neighbor.”

Patterson said 67% of Americans don’t believe in absolute truth. “With this kind of outlook, it’s easy to see why lying and deception are so much a part of our culture,” he said.

It’s also confusing. Early in life, we learn right from wrong and find out that not telling the truth about our actions sometimes protects us from punishment. For those raised by spankings, physical pain is a strong motivator to not tell the truth. Still, others were admonished to not hurt other people’s feelings, to “fib” if you will, to have manners. This duplicity in the message is how children grow up to be part of the 91 percent discussed by Patterson. They learn to lie, first to others, then to themselves. Then they learn how to justify the lies to themselves.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Virginia, said lying is simply a condition of life. In her research on lying, she found that in a week’s time, “both men and women deceive about 30 percent of people we have [one-on-one] interactions with.”

The goal

Should we try never to lie and never to blurt out the truth if it harms someone? How do we manage this? Politicians have made it an art to “tell it like it is,” but never the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and they usually come off sounding shady.

Most religions admonish us to be kind to others. If you claim to be among the 9 percent of people who Patterson said do not lie regularly, are you a person who sometimes “tells fibs” to not hurt others? Or are you known as someone who “tells it like it is and lets the chips fall where they may,” regardless of whether it brings pain to others or not?

My life experiences have taught me it’s better to be truthful, but with words and actions that minimize the pain that truth might inflict. After all, from a powerful (and anonymous) quote, “A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future.”

By the way, the beautiful border collie pictured here was my Sassy. She did not have pink eyes. It was a long time ago, and I had a lousy camera. Sassy loved me for 14 years until cancer took her from me - until we will be together again one day at Rainbow Bridge. Sassy never told a lie in her life. Because she was a dog, of course.